Dear Everyone: Please Stop

Posted by Anonymous

To my family and friends:

I’m grateful he means so much to you. I’m grateful for all you do for me. I’m so grateful I have all of you in my life. But you’re driving me crazy. Please stop thinking you know what’s best for me. Please stop ‘owning’ my son’s struggles. Please stop having the emotions I, myself, am not allowed, not strong enough, not weak enough to have. Please stop making it all about you and how you feel and how you think I should feel or deal or breathe or interact.

After his last surgery, many of you texted me that you had “tears of joy” because all went well. I was unable to have tears of anything (joy, relief, exhaustion) because I had to immediately move on to the next step for his recovery. I resent the fact I am unable to have emotions of my own because I’m constantly reassuring you everything will be okay, constantly explaining medical procedures to you, constantly trying to process your emotions so that I don’t even know what or how I feel.

On the flip side of that, I don’t necessarily want to share all of my feelings with you. I don’t want every conversation to be an in-depth look into how this is affecting me. If I’m upset, can’t it be because they were out of my favorite ice cream at the store? Do you have to automatically think the worst any time I do show a glimpse into how I feel? I have become guarded with my emotions because, most of the time, I haven’t had time to process how I feel in the current situation (see above) and because of those “personal” conversations you all want to have with me. Do you each think you will be the one to break through to me and show me the light on how I should feel dealing with all this? Do you honestly think there is a proper way to deal with any of this?

Stop telling me that I need to be on an antidepressant. It’s not making any of you happier and makes you even moodier than you were before. I am happy. I love my life. Just because you can’t wrap your head around being happy with a special needs child does not mean it’s impossible. I would not change one thing about the last 2 years. They have made me stronger and more appreciative of the little things than I ever would have imagined I could be.

Stop trying to get us involved. I have a four year-old and a two year-old. I’m constantly taking them to school, doctors’ appointments, therapy sessions, and meetings with social workers. The phone calls I make on a daily basis just to get the correct supplies to help my son live would make your head swirl. I have social outings with many of you. I have a wonderful husband I love to spend time with. Just because I don’t want to be involved in the latest community fundraiser or go listen to the “expert on child rearing” I don’t agree with doesn’t mean I’m holed up in depression. Just because I don’t want my four year-old involved in group sports right now doesn’t mean he will be scarred socially and resent his brother for having a medical condition. He’s four. I’m busy. We’re great.

I know you are affected by this and you are invested in this and you love me and my family. I appreciate how you try to show your love and support but please step back and try to see that we’re normal and trying to live our lives as normally as possible. Normal is living life. Normal isn’t medical stuff 24/7. He is a child first, a medical mystery second. He’s a normal child with an abnormal system. He’s part of us and we’re a normal family.

I love you all. I don’t know how I would have made it without your support. I love laughing with all of you. I love being with all of you. Thank you for enriching all of our lives.

Your daughter, sister, grand-daughter, sister-in-law, friend.

Solutions Needed (Please Help)

Posted by Anonymous.

Solutions needed

1. living and being supported by in-laws

2. while husband lives in another state with friends

3. to be near clients

4. no vehicles in either of our names

5. four children, 9 and under

6. virtually no income currently

7. it's been since January 2009

8. cannot move to in-laws town (officially, anyway)--we have absolutely no “warm market” here to support our business (in fact, all family has outright refused to give us any leads—they're not comfortable referring friends to us; you know, because we're family).

9. I have the background to do a preschool/daycare

10. but, as we're living in someone else's home, I'm trying not to make to many waves.

11. Would state aid take my in-laws income into account, if we applied, since we live with them?

12. The state is UT

Help!

Orphan

Posted by Anonymous.

I feel like an orphan

It started slowly. Somehow the experience of my having children pushed us further apart instead of bringing us together. When I struggled for two years with infertility, you repeatedly told me it must be God's will for me not to have children. But when I got pregnant, you were ecstatic. And then came the sonogram that the baby would be a boy and some of the air went out of your enthusiasm. Still you ran out to buy one of everything to setup for the baby at your house, even though you lived two hours away and we’d never spent a night at your house in my entire married life. And you came when he was born, camping out at our house for two days while I was in the hospital. But you couldn’t respect my choices when they were different from yours. When I struggled with breastfeeding you urged me not to waste my time since you had fed me formula. When my husband decided to go back to school and stay home with our baby, you belittled our choice and his efforts. You destroyed your relationship with my mother-in-law, a woman you’ve called a friend for over twenty years, because anytime you ended up at an event together you had to hog the grandson and pretend he loved you best. You put on a huge phony act about being the world’s greatest grandma when others were around and when left alone, you observed your grandson playing from your chair, rather than deign to interact with him. You stopped calling to check in on me and when I would call to check in on you, our conversations were never more than five minutes before you were trying to get off the phone. It got worse three years later when I told you I was pregnant again. Why would I want to have a second child? You did fine with one. And then you grew hopeful that this baby would be a girl. You became convinced. I still remember the flat tone in your voice when I called to tell you that there would be a second grandson and how quickly you got off the phone. At least you showed up when he was born.

But things have gone seriously downhill from there. When I had gallbladder surgery just five months after baby #2 was born, the woman who drove out in the middle of the night to pick me up from college when I got sick, spent the day packing to go on vacation. Granted it wasn’t emergency surgery, but scheduled a couple weeks ahead. I’m sorry the surgeon couldn’t do it when it was convenient for you, especially since your mother-in-law’s unexpected death (my grandma) had screwed you out of your scheduled vacation the previous year. So my mother-in-law showed up and watched my children and then brought us all home to her house a mile away from yours so that she could help my husband take care of me and the boys while you and dad drove an hour away on vacation and shopped in outlet malls for a week. So please understand why it angered me when you showed up for my husband’s emergency appendectomy the next year - taking precious time off of work – and made the whole day about you and how you almost died years ago when your appendix ruptured. Just what I needed to hear as my beloved was under the knife.Thank God he ended up being fine.

We had managed some repairs to our relationship and you had eagerly expressed a desire (without being asked) to take a week off of work when hubby and I started planning our two week overseas adventure for our ten year anniversary. I was delighted; things were finally turning around with us. I planned our childcare carefully, with mother-in-law taking the other week off to balance things out. And then four weeks out, after we’d paid the last of our non-refundable monies for the trip, you casually mentioned in a conversation that you wouldn’t be able to get out of work after all. In fact you would be unable to help babysit at all because you hadn’t put in for the time off from work and other folks had taken those days. Friends, neighbors and other relatives stepped in to help mother-in-law balance her job and our kids for the entire two weeks. When you heard my son mention to someone months later that he had stayed with mother-in-law while we were gone you quickly corrected him that you had helped out. I’m sorry that at five he forgot how you borrowed them two afternoons and fed them dinner once.

Then there was the phone call a couple of months ago when your sister died unexpectedly and you told your whole family that I’d be glad to officiate the funeral on a certain date without asking me. Nevermind that you scheduled her funeral for my birthday, it was four days before I was moving with two kids and both hubby and I were changing jobs. And when I had the gall to say no, that date didn’t work for me and offered up three other dates as alternatives (since she was being cremated), you tried all kinds of guilt and manipulation and crying before hanging up on me. And bless you for having father call me back later and pretend he cared before laying on more guilt. And that line about how ungrateful I am and how I would have dropped everything and done a funeral for husband’s family if they needed something was just the icing on the cake. My aunt wanted me to officiate at her funeral and would never have approved of your tactics, and I’m angry that you went ahead and held it without me, telling my cousins that I was too busy to be bothered. I do appreciate that you at least called to acknowledge my birthday and I know I sent a thank you for the birthday check I received in the mail.

Two weeks ago I needed surgery again, a biopsy to check for breast cancer, the disease you successfully fought off nine years ago. I was scared because I've had a lump before and know that our family history of cancer only heightens my risk. But this time I was smart. I decided not to get my hopes up that you would be there. I knew that you were already taking the week prior off of work to entertain company for your birthday and catch up on errands and dr visits. So we made plans to have mother-in-law show up and care for the grandchildren. When you politely inquired the night before if we needed you, we told you not to worry that we had everything under control. Imagine our surprise when you showed up at the hospital as we were leaving because you had called mother-in-law’s cellphone and realized she was in town. Sorry father let the cat out of the bag later - apparently you had arranged to take the day off of work and told them that you were coming to take care of me; yet you had intended to spend the day at home relaxing from all the company you had entertained the week before. I certainly didn't mean to ruin your day off. Mother-in-law went home after you showed up because she didn’t want to intrude. Only she didn’t realize that you would take off before I actually needed you. You sat around all day and watched me sleep and then packed up to go home leaving me groggy and nauseated alone with two kids after hubby had to go in to work for two hours. Since my surgery I have heard from you exactly one time when I called to tell you my pathology report was clear and I am fine.

Most days I feel like an orphan. I have no parents unless you need to whine about your life, or need me to do something or want to drag out your grandchildren for some special occasion to show off to your friends. You always lamented the relationship you had with your mother - a constant tug of war - and swore that you would never treat me like that, that you would be different. And you were right. You have become very different. You hardly bother with me at all.

Mimi

Posted by Anonymous.

Almost 1 year ago::::::::

I didn’t even know she was having surgery.

I get a phone call on my cell, on a normal selfishly involved night in my boyfriend’s parent’s basement where I live. It’s my stepmom telling me that my grandma, my Mimi, is in the hospital. She is not well. My stepmom doesn’t know if I should be on my way to the hospital, she doesn’t know what’s going on.

Rewind::::::::

Six months prior, Mimi had stents put in to help with blood flow. Rewind further and you will see that Mimi and Papa pretty much raised me for a while. Long story short, they were a definite constant in my life and in their 40+ years of marriage they still called each other “babe” and “hun” and wrapped their arm around one another and displayed nothing but true love as long as I have been around them. Even with my bio parents being divorced and re-married, this was more than they could provide and will stick with me more than my grandparent’s will both know.

Almost 1 year ago::::::::

I get the call from my stepmom. She tells me Mimi is in the hospital, she had stents put in today, (for the 2^nd time, the 1^st time I was aware of) and she’s not doing to well. I didn’t even know she was having surgery. Not wanting to scare me, they tell me they will call me when they get to the hospital.

Later::::::::

Another call. It’s my stepmom. They are at the hospital. Sometimes I replay how I answered the phone with a cheerful “hello”.

My stepmom says “……..Hello? ……. She’s dead, Carly.” She is crying. I can’t hear anything in the background.

My Mimi is dead.

I can’t accept it at first. I cry in my boyfriend’s parent’s basement. Everyone in his house can hear me.

He takes me to the hospital. For some reason, it hasn’t set in. I honestly believe she will still be alive when I get there.

But she isn’t.

She is bloated. And pale. And stiff.

It’s only been an hour since she passed.

I’ve never seen my grandpa cry. He cried so hard that night.

I watched my grandpa try to lay her arm back on the table. She was too stiff.

He kept saying how she was “so cold, she’s so cold.”

I wished I wasn’t there.

They asked if she was an organ donor. My Papa said, “I don’t want to donate her, I want her back.”

I cried harder.

It was time to sign the death certificate. I watched him try to find the courage to sign it.

His hand circled around the signature line. It was if he didn’t know how to write his own name.

Finally, he did. And so did my father. And so did I.

I can’t explain what happened after.

All I can think of is the time I didn’t spend and the time I did spend.

Time, in general.

It will be a year in October. A whole year.

I miss you so much, Mimi.

Home Is Where The Hotel Is?

Posted by Anonymous.

I live in Florida. My daughters live in Florida. My grandchildren live in Florida.

My mom and my sister and my extended childhood family live in Michigan.

I subscribe to several airline emails to watch for good deals on airline tickets from Florida to Michigan.

So when I saw $19 tickets in January for flights in May, I snapped them up.

You see, I think I'm doing a good thing to buy a ticket for each of us to come home to see you. It's not like I didn't just show up on your doorstep and say 'here we are!'. I told you in January that I was coming home for 4 days in May. I gave you plenty of notice.

In reality, the $19 tickets cost me considerably more than $19. I had to pay for seats to be assigned (times 7!) and to pay for luggage. Unfortunately I didn't know that when I bought the tickets.

We love being at your house. Hanging in the back yard. No schedules to keep, no place to go but across town to visit more family. A trip to the cemetery to pay respects that I can't pay the rest of the year.

And then, two weeks before we were going to be there, you dropped the bomb on me that we couldn't stay at your house. WHAT? We've always stayed at your house!!

You said we were too many, too noisy, too confusing, too many people for one bathroom. We were willing to sleep on the floor and the blow up bed and the couch. All of us have stayed there before and the bathroom was never an issue. Shoot, 3 of the kids don't even use the bathroom!

And mom said, "You can't expect to just come home and have accommodations."

Well for starters, five months notice does not qualify as 'just'. And well, yes, as a matter of fact, that's exactly what I expect.

Mom said we'd have to split up and stay different places. So .. what .. we farm out the three year old? The two year old? The baby? No. That doesn't work.

You said groceries were difficult and cooking and cleaning was too much. Since when? I have never come up there that I didn't go immediately to the grocery store and drop a hundred bucks on groceries. We help with the cooking. We help with the cleaning. Not a meal goes by that my hands are not in dishwater washing dishes.

I really don't get this. All of a sudden ... we're not welcome???

You see, I am paying out my hard earned money to bring the family home so you can see them and they can see you. To foster a relationship between you and them. So you can see your namesake for the first time. Because we love you. We only come home once a year. Four days out of one year. But, no, that was too much hassle for you.

So ......... we didn't. We flew into the airport, rented a car and drove around the state like tourists. We went to the water park and other places my family has never been to before because .... we always came to your house. We stayed in motels and ate in restaurants. Oh, and the motels, still 7 of us ....... and only one bathroom. And never any problems. And trust me ........ I paid dearly. I paid for the car, most of the hotel rooms, most of the meals because they are broke and barely getting by.

Then one of the aunts stepped up and said you can stay overnight at my house. So we took her up on that. We slept on the floor, the couch and a blow up bed. Nine people in that house with ......... you guessed it ....... only one bathroom. We offered to buy groceries and they said they wanted to cook us dinner. We all ate around the table and had a good time. They enjoyed getting to know our little ones, and we enjoyed our time with them.

Oh, we made it to your house for a few hours on the last afternoon. But by then, the damage was already done. We weren't comfortable with you ... and you weren't comfortable with us.

And we heard afterwards that you complained about us being in the state for so long and only getting to see us for a little while.

Well you know what? You can't have it both ways.

And now, occasionally, you say things about the 'next time we are home'. Don't count on it. I have no plans to do so. If we are going to take a family vacation and stay in motels and eat at restaurants, we'll be going someplace else next year.

In case you haven't figured it out ....... things have changed.

I suggest you subscribe to airline emails and start watching for a Michigan to Florida ticket. And you won't have to worry about accommodations .... because, unlike you, I would make room regardless of what it took. You'd have a place to sleep if I had to give you my bed. That's where we're different.

I'm glad we're different.

Expecting, Definitely

Posted by Anonymous (Anonymous of this post, which was submitted in August. What follows is her update on the decision she made, and where she is now.)

I'm not exactly single. I have a tiny Baby I'm carrying around wherever I go. I'm now two people. I have two hearts. Two brains. Two bouts of the hiccups at once. I'm never alone anymore.

I'm also not exactly single in that other sense, either. Baby's father (the one who got me into this blessed mess) and I are holding hands at the doctor's office and having dinner with his parents and mine. But I'm still living in my house (the one I bought nine months ago. In fact, I made the offer the day of our first date) while he lives 56 kilometers away. That's down a secondary highway, even further from the Capital than me.

I've always been independent to a fault, and I still find it hard to behave as if this isn't entirely my responsibility. I told him The News about six hours after I wrote that first post, and he smiled! Anyway, I'm not worried about him. While we're not living together or sharing bills, I'm sure this part of this new family will work itself out.

Baby, on the other hand, is a different story. Some anonymous writer commented on my last post, "Chances are better that you'll regret the baby you didn't have [more] than the one you did." This is precisely the thought I'm clinging to - rather, it's the truth I'm holding out for.

I've always wanted children. Babies! I figured that once I started, I would never want to stop having them. I love pregnant bellies and breastfeeding and carrying little squirmy toddlers and all of that. My biggest fear was, until now, that I might not be able to have children of my own. As prepared as I thought I was, nothing prepared me for actually being pregnant. Who knew stretch marks came on with such a vengeance? Who knew morning sickness felt like being carsick, ALL DAY. Who knew women often suffer from depression during pregnancy? Who knew the "glow" is nothing more than the facial manifestation of terror?

But I know if I just get though these next 5 and a half months, the reward will be worth it all. I'm trying my darnedest not to panic about money. Babies don't' cost much - it's the unnecessary paraphernalia that really adds up. Sure, I could afford it now, but maternity benefits are somewhat... lacking. But I'm trying not to panic - panic leads to tears and hyperventilating and sleepless nights. (As if the heavy breasts and multiple trips to the toilet aren't wrecking enough havoc.)

I haven't even thought about what people think. It's a small town, as I said. Not everyone knows everyone else, but a lot of people know me thanks to the nature of my job. It seems that babies transcend all that unwed-mother garbage. Everybody is just delighted at the prospect of a baby.

Obviously I decided to keep the baby. I didn't really have a choice - I wouldn't have made it through the two weeks I needed to get an abortion without falling in love with the tiny apple seed and planning the rest of our lives.

It's an adjustment, this getting used to life as a parent. Everything I wanted to do Some Day now comes with a pretty big string attached. Go back to school? Sure, but I'd have to move and pay the bills with a baby in tow. Hike the Long Range Mountains? Yes, but I'll have to wait til the baby is weaned and arrange for my parents to babysit for a week. Cycle across the country? As soon as Baby is old enough to ride with me. A second trip to China? As long as I go soon, before Baby turns 2 and I can't afford the airfare anymore. Speed skate at the 2014 Winter Olympics? That last one may be a tad ambitious. But it's a whole new world. I'm looking forward to it.

Dear Dad

Posted by Anonymous

Dear Dad,

You have changed and not for the better. I don't even recognize the person you have become. The loving father I once knew is no more. You are bitter and angry and I can't stand the way you are. I used to look up to you. You taught me so many life lessons that I have kept with me all these years. You told me once, after getting custody of me from my mother, that every person you meet is a role model. You can either choose to be like them or choose to be the opposite of them. You told me that so that I wouldn't hate my mother for everything she had done to me. You knew that she had problems and you wanted me to try to keep a relationship with her even though I was hurt. Even though you were angry with her you were still supportive of the relationship I was trying to have with her. You never fought with her when you had to be around her and you never said anything cross that could cause a problem.

So why the change? Why can't you do the same with your ex-wife Brandy? She was never as bad as my mother was, yet you can't put aside your differences with her to be there for your daughter Katie. Nobody is asking you to be friends with Brandy we just want you to tolerate her long enough to be there to support Katie during her pregnancy. The pregnancy that Katie was always told would never happen. The miracle baby that was never supposed to be. You are being so selfish and acting like a child. Why are you making everything about you? Shouldn't you be more focused on Katie? You have hurt her so much by telling her that you wont come to her baby shower if Brandy is there. We all know that Brandy is unpredictable and there is a big chance she won't make it. Yet you refuse to come even though there is only a slim chance of her showing up. You are asking your daughter to choose between her parents and that is wrong. She was looking forward to getting to share this with you and her little sister Lisa. And now you are saying you wont come which means that Lisa can't come either. So you are not only going to be childish and not come but you are also going to keep her sister away too? Do you really think that your problems with Brandy are worth that?

I have tried not to get too upset over all of this. I keep thinking you are going to change your mind and see how ridiculous you are being. Then you called Katie and told her that the only way you would come to the hospital when she has the baby is if she makes sure that Brandy isn't around when you are there. REALLY? You expect a woman in labor with her first child to keep tabs on her mother so that you will grace us with your presence at the birth of the only child Katie will probably ever have??? Is your hatred more important than being there? You put aside your hatred of my mother 4 years ago to be there when my son was born. Why can't you do that for Katie?

I guess I should have expected this from you. Its not like you have really been there for me and my son since he was born. You haven't seen him in two years and there is always some excuse. I have put myself out there plenty of times and tried to make plans with you but something is always more important. Did you forget that you had a daughter and a grandson? Or do you just not care enough to really try anymore? It hurts but I really don't care anymore. We don't need you. He has very supportive grandparents on his father's side. They may live closer but they still put more effort into seeing than you ever have.

And you know what, Katie doesn't need you either. She's hurt and I know she wants you to be there but in the end she doesn't need you. She doesn't need the added stress that you cause her and she doesn't need to spend this joyous time of her life worrying about you and your pettiness. She needs someone who can put aside whatever issues they may have to be there to support her no matter what. When Brandy stopped being a good mother for Katie I stepped in and now that you are proving to be inadequate I will yet again be there for her. At 23 years old, I shouldn't have to play the role of mother and father to my 21 year old sister but I will. I will be whatever she needs me to be because you once taught me to be the better role model. Maybe you should take your own advice before you miss out on one of the greatest moments in Katie's life.

Your very disappointed daughter.