Posted by Anonymous.
Let me say first that I am not perfect. I have a bipolar disorder and some severe anger issues. I have a tendency to be controlling, I have high standards (some would say too high), and I am incredibly stubborn. I can be very difficult to live with (it could be said hell to live with), although I am working so hard to change that, because the last thing I want is my son to inherit those *charming* qualities. That said, let me explain why I am writing this. I don't really know how to say this nicely, but I don't want to marry my fiancé. I don't want to spend the rest of my life with him, and to be quite honest, I don't really want him to be the one raising my son, although I know I really have very little choice in that particular matter.
I am completely not attracted to him. I think that the reason I was even remotely attracted to him at first was the fact that I had just been through several awful relationships in rapid succession, and he was so nice and gentle and unassuming. But I'm pretty resilient and I got over those pretty quickly. At which point, had the situation not been what it is, I most likely would have broken it off with him. It's not my intent to use him, but my judgment was severely impaired when we started dating. I can't stand the fact that he has absolutely no idea how to dress himself nicely, or the fact that he is so incredibly hairy, or that he doesn't take care of himself at all. He often looks like a homeless person (and I know, we know quite a few homeless people). He eats terrible food and doesn't exercise at all. He rarely bathes or shaves unless I tell him to, dresses in clothes that are unsuited to his body shape and are too tight, accentuating the fact that he is overweight and has horrible "thunder-thighs" and a gut that is much larger than my 6-month pregnant belly. He wears dirty clothes and just in general presents himself terribly.
On top of his lack of care with his personal appearance, he is incredibly lazy. In all aspects of his life, he does just barely enough to squeak by. He hates working at pretty much any job open to him given his level of education and expertise, instead only taking jobs as a caregiver for disabled adults. He works 15-20 hours per week, most of which are spent doing things like hanging out with some lonely old person watching TV, with the occasional hour or two spent cleaning up their house or running errands for them.
At home, he requires explicit instructions to do anything, and then acts like cleaning up around the house is some kind of favor to me. Um, I don't think so. If he lives here, he is just as responsible for making sure it stays clean as I am. He also gets angry when I give him specific instructions on how to do something, complaining I am treating him like an idiot, when the only reason I am doing it is because if I don't give step by step directions, he either doesn't do the entire job, or does it completely wrong ( i.e. when we are out of dishwasher soap, hand washing requires washing, rinsing, and putting away). He has no desire to go to school or get any kind of vocational training or to ever work a job beyond what he is doing now. The few times I have brought it up, he gets very irritated and complains that I am trying to force him into doing something he's just not cut out for ( i.e. school).
He says his only goal in life is to have a family. I have asked him many times how he planned to support that family, what he would do, where he might want to live, opinions on major issues like circumcision, discipline etc, and he never has an answer. He says he never really thought about it. And he gets very upset at me when I try and get him to think about it. In fact, pretty much any time he is required to do any kind of thinking about something, he doesn't want to do it.
I can't stand his laziness or his lack of self respect. I can't stand how he never thinks of anything even when pressed. I can't stand how he acts like taking care of his house is some sort of favor to me. He is so completely opposite of me in some ways. I think you should always do a job right and to the best of your ability the first time you do it, as this shows pride in your work and your self. I think you should always try and look your best and present yourself in the best light (those 3am runs to the convenience store for coffee and candy bars aside). I cannot even fathom not thinking about things and making informed decisions about things, especially regarding something as important as raising your children. And I absolutely do not understand not having any drive to better one's self. Isn't that an essential component of our humanity, the drive to do and be better than we presently are?
Most importantly, I don't want my kid to grow up thinking these things are ok.
So here's my problem. I'm sure you are saying by now "so leave him! Obviously you aren't right for each other and this kind of relationship can't be healthy for your child to be born into!" and I understand that and completely agree. However, I simply can't afford it. I have no money, no relatives to fall back on, and I already work 30+ hours per week, which is killing me as it is. I live in California, so if you're familiar with the U.S., you know that it is an incredibly expensive state. On top of this, I have one more problem: a few months after my son is born I will be going into a vocational program funded by the government. Now, this program is fantastic. It is paid for by the state, you live on campus and get 3 squares a day, paid training, job placement, a clothing allowance and even an allowance for things like entertainment or toiletries or whatever little incidentals you might need. The problem is that I can't take my baby with me. It's in a major city 2 hours from here, and you can go home on weekends. So while I'm gone, I'm going to need someone to take care of the baby. My mom has offered to help as much as possible, but she is currently going through a divorce and by that time will be working many, many hours a week just to provide for herself and my brother, so her time to help will be limited. I am afraid that if I leave now, my fiancé will not be willing to take care of the baby for the 6-8 months the program lasts.
I'm sorry, but I am not going to give up my life and my goals to break out of the poverty that has marked my entire life. I refuse to let my kid grow up as poor as I did. I do feel guilty that I will be leaving my little baby to get an education for much of his first year, but my life shouldn't and can't be ruined because I was stupid and got pregnant. So I'm not really sure what I'm asking for. Or if I am asking anything. I just wanted to be able to tell someone how I felt. Please, don't judge me or say I'm a horrible person for this. I just want my son to have the best life possible, regardless of the fact that for a while, I'm going to have to sacrifice seeing all the little milestones he'll reach while I'm away at school. I don't see any other way. I can't handle more than one major thing at once: I crash and burn. I've done it time and time again, and the last thing I want to crash and burn at is being a mother. That's a whole lot less fixable than many of my other mistakes.
I am sorry this is so long... I just feel as if there was a lot to get off my chest.