Posted by Anonymous.
Today, and every day, as I have done now for months, I am facing down the demons of anxiety that plague my days and ruin my nights - - and I'm sick of it. There is a reason for this, and I come here to the Basement for some sense of peace or feedback, I feel pretty desperate for comfort.
My little boy was born with an undescended testicle. Fairly common, I understand. And his ped. has reminded me sternly at every well-visit that at one year, if it hasn't come down, it would need to be "brought down." Nice words for surgery. That thought has been sickening to me. I've changed diapers trying so hard to be goofy-mom, happy everything's-ok-mom, but with every diaper change, I have looked with worry at the lopsided little scrotum (wish there were a better word for it) and prayed, sometimes audibly, that the little bugger would just come on down. It hasn't. We met with a pediatric urologist last week, and as I feared, he needs to have the surgery done in the first week of September. It's a very common surgery, and it's done on an outpatient basis, but I am still Absolutely. Terrified. He'll be under general for about an hour and a half. The dread surrounding this whole thing has been just awful for me. I have a very vivid imagination, and have had to push horrible pictures away in my mind, fears about the anesthesia, fears about his recovery. It is hard for me to sleep, it is hard for me to look at him and his smiling little drooly face and think of what's to come. I try so hard to force the positive thoughts into my brain, I have guilt for not being able to do that very well. So mostly, I lie awake at night and cry. Perspective is shot. My mother strings are too tight to let go of this worry.
I know that this surgery needs to be done, and I know why. It would not be fair to him to not do it. And that brings me a little sense of purpose and comfort, but the demons of anxiety plague me still. Then it's compounded by this guilt that I should be manifesting positive energy and I'm allowing too much fear to dictate my life, and now my son's life... yeesh! I have googled the bejeesus out of anything related to the condition and the surgery, and I've found some helpful things, but most of all, what I really want and need, is some mom-feedback... some comfort, some love from the ones who understand the pain of waiting for this surgery to take place, someone who's been through those awful moments where you hand your Everything to a nurse and they disappear through the OR doors, and you sit with your spouse in the holding room, waiting, crying. This is a huge hurdle for me. Anybody been there?
Oh, and I also feel guilty (there's a trend here) because I know that it could be worse, there are little tiny newborns who have heart surgery every day, and here I am freaking out over this procedure, but it's my little punkin' man, it's my whole world. Oh boy. Thanks, everyone. I just want us all to be ok.