Posted by Charlene.
Has it been three years since you left us so quickly? How is not possible they never saw you had an AVM but knew of everything else that was wrong with you? It does not seem possible but then I realize I’m still harboring feelings of guilt, sadness and anger regarding your death. I wish I could get past these feelings but I can’t. I guess this is the way to handle it and work through these feelings and then maybe let the flame go to a flicker.
Let me tell you about the guilt side of things first and then we will work through the rest of complaints. I have guilt I was not there when you started feeling bad and I could not fight with you to go to the hospital. This was our way of dealing with your health issues. A mother and daughter showing who had the stronger will on what was needed at the time. Dad and I usually won the battle for you getting well but not without a fight from you. I wonder if I could have saved your life. I have guilt of having to tell your baby that mom collapsed and they are taking her to the trauma center over the phone. I wish I could have told her face to face but as the primary caregiver to many things were happening to have those few moments. I wish I had to time to call your parents to let them know what was happening but I chickened out and left it to your brothers. I harbor the guilt that your son did not get to see you before they took you to surgery. The anguish on his face sticks with me today.
The sadness is you not getting to know your grandson. You had five precious months with him but it was not enough for me or him. Also, you have not seen your granddaughter turn into such a lovely girl. You probably have been looking down and laughing at the antics that your grandchildren do but you are not here to witness the joy they provided us. I’m sad that I can not call and confer with you when I’m having parenting issues. Dad does ok but you were the one that could talk sense into me. You were the queen of how to handle children without being too stressed out. I wonder how you did it because there are days I struggle.
The angry side is going to be short but vicious. Your family is/was obnoxious through the process of losing you. They never extended themselves when we were in the depths of our despair. I could have used help but they did not make them available. I finally figured it out that is the way they work. Also, it is wrong of you to hide your baby’s drug problem. It came to light after you passed and know has created much tension for all of us. I want to call you and say how dare you but you would defend her as mothers do.
I guess I should stop rattling on and let you know I still love you. That these feelings will dissipate one day but they still burn on with me. Hopefully, the burning slows to a flicker not a flame. Also, I’m not sorry about telling your oldest brother to put the phone away or I was going to put it where the sun does not shine. He deserved it when he crossed the line of calling everyone that was not family. I get told I’m like you more often than not. I take this as a compliment because you taught me right from wrong and how to defend my actions. I hope you are enjoying having your mom with you because I know she has missed you the past three years. Tell her we love her. I will see you one day.
Love, your Daughter